blue night

its crazy how blessed you could be one morning and then later on that night things turn aroound completely, the lord knows whats going on and he knows my heart. Though i feel alone and forgotten he has never left me.I feel such a void and I need to seek Jesus. He is the only one that can restore my heart. I have messed up my life so much by just trying to keep it together. from looking for answers in things I would never find peace in to analyzing my past to running on empty. i feel like i just crash and burn when i do those things. so this time i'm going to go a different route. so when i read this i'll know the truth and won't be confused by my emotions.
Jesus Loves you, he has never left you-nor has he abandoned you. If you just believe that he will restore your marriage he will. Because he is a God who restores. Remember when you were so broken that you felt there was nobody there and you felt unloved? then God brought your husband into your life-Yes its true you have not been able to show him love as you have wanted but he has shown you love through him. I know its hard, you have to deal with your mistakes everyday. Your child is not your husbands and it hurts. Nothing is set in stone not even marriage. God is the only one who promises are never forgotten. He will never forget the promise he made you although people will forget their promises to you and you will forget promises you made to them he never ever forgets his to you. Trust in the Lord he knows what he is going to do in your Life. You are not in control. he is. Bigger is he in you then he who is in the world. Don't forget there is a higher power, the power of God and its freely given to you. Rebuke the lies of the enemy. He who never gave you life can not take it from you. Your life is barely beginning and though it seems hard and unbareable you know that in everything God has helped you through it. IS anything too hard for God?? Oh if you would just trust in him you'd reap the blessing of his fruit. Right now Ask him to enter you life and being to transform you heart so that you could be like Jesus. Ask him to fix your situation. Ask him to not let the enemy tamper with your spouse and make him believe lies thats he has made you fall upon. the same lies you fell for your spouse is falling for pray for him and resist the enemy he will flee from you.
what i can't explain to anyone is that everything i said about Floyd well that was a lie of the enemy confusing my mind to cheat in my thoughts. I saw Floyd not so long ago on the street corner and it didn't bother me at all. I was free because God brought light into that darkness I had hidden so longin my heart. See I never really knew Floyd and I thought he was the only one who ever really loved me. but that was a lie from the pit of hell. my husband loves me just as i am. he married me for me. though we are different and he doesn't understand the things i do and say he loves me. God has blesses me through him.
Recently my husband moved back in. before he didn't want to move in because he didn't trust me for lots of things i've done in my past. reading this diary set him off but before that we have had difficulties. i always felt he was leaving me and i would do things out of fear.. that is how the enemy gets you to sin. When my husband and i were dating i thought he got me pregnant and i was only 17 he didn't want me to have the baby he said he wasn't ready. and i freaked out. i didn't want to be alone and i made a mistake while we were broken up i was taking all kinds of pregnancy test but i didn't know exactly when to take it. my friend at the time decided to help me and then he purposed that if i would be with him he'd be there for me no matter what.so scared i willingly went out with him. we went out for about a month but within that month i made a mistake and slept with him. I never thought I'd get pregnant by him because ignorantly i thought i was by my husband. being with him made me realize how much I loved my husand and i soon regretted it. I went flying back to my husbands arms (at this pt he was my ex-boyfriend) in fear i never told him what had happened and four years later after my daughter was born i told him and i had more to add to him.
i know it was too much at once. but i believed i was doing the right thing. i told him that i also slept with two other guys when we broke up a year ago i left virginia where we were living (we were having so many problems i was suicidal and depressed we were always fighting) and as soon as i left i felt free i lost my mind. i went on a drinking rampage and drank so much everytime i went out i was out of control. i met a pilot on my way here and we went out for some drinks and i got drunk and ended up with him that night. i regretted it so bad afterwards and we never saw eachother again. time passed and then i got asked out by an ex-boyfriend and making it a friend thing we decided to meet with some of my friends and my cousin. the night didn't go as planned we lost contact with friends and ended up alone ( a huge mistake) one thing led to another and....our emotions of seeing eachother got the best out of eachother we were never in loved but we had a past that didn't end so good i guess we had need closure and made the same mistake twice. later on i found out he was dating his sister!! Jez! my life has been insane. anyways, all these things plue the anxiety i've had trying to make up for these mistakes have cause me to just freak out so many times-always fearing my husband was leaving me
the devil is real- i'm constanly taunted by things everyday i can be at peace and all of sudden i can't stop thinking does my daughter need to know? and i look up he biological father on myspace and tried to see pictures of him other children. out of curiosty if she looks any like them. and it kills me because I know looking them up behind my husbands back is wrong but i couldn't get it out of my mind. i wasn't going to contact them i just wanted to see what they looked like. it did give me peace and i've been fine since. but my husband doesn't understand he jut thinks i want to contact him or get back with him because now i know my daughter his biological daughter. but i don't care about him! I don't even want him in my life or hers.
all i can do is ask God for wisdom, these are difficult situations and sometimes i feel like giving up on life. but i love my daughter to much and i know nothing in life is worth it.