The color of nothing

I dont know what color I'll see when I die. I always imagined it to be the kind of black you see right before you fall asleep and drift of into nothingness. But it might be blue, yellow or octarine, if there is any magic left in this world.
Chances are it will be the same color I saw from before I was born. Before we had any memories, or vision or touch. Before we knew what life was.
I dont remember any color from back then, but I do remember the cold nothingness, the chilling vacuum from then.

Because that's what's in me now. This huge hole which I've been unable to fill in a healthy manner. Of course there is alcohol, or drugs or cheap sex in a sleezy motel. But though it might be able to satisfy me in the sort term, I don't know any happy alcoholics or other addicts. I don't want to wake in my own vomit feeling sorry for myself as I open up another one. Just feeling sorry for myself on bad days is enough.

And yet I long for that nothingness of being neither awake nor dreaming. I wish to escape my mind in a way that avoids me from finding ways to find that eternal octarine color.

But not today. Because today i'm having pizza and sometimes that's enough to say "Not today Satan!" In a drag queens voice.


-VLH
06 jul 2026 - bewerkt op 06 jul 2026 - meld ongepast verhaal
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VLH, man, 36 jaar
   
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