Hi Ren

Every morning when its time for medication an obscure song pops in my head. One that doesn't hit the top 10 hits and never will, but is from an awesome artist called Ren.
"Okay, take another pill, boy
Drown yourself in the sound of white noise
Follow this ten-step program, rejoice!
All your problems will be gone! Fuckin' dumb boy"

Sometimes I just think it, sometimes I sing it. It triggers a part of me that thinks this is all but a bad joke, but I don't have a good alternative currently. So I still commit to the bit.

So, when she took her pills I just mumbled the first sentence softly without thinking about it.
"Okay, take another pill, boy."
She turned around and looked at me.
"Okay Ren, thank you."

We debated lyrics you have to think about before, so I shouldn't even be surprised she knew about it, but I still was. Sometimes I just feel like I'm the only one struggling with my thoughts. That's why I love to find new music that I can relate to.

See, the conductor of my train of thought used to be a psychosis patient who got a kick from ticking people off. Now he's gone the train has to drive itself but since a lot of foundation is missing in my life, the train goes off the rails constantly.

It took me ten years to write that conductors story. That's how I remember I'm not a real writer, but just a guy with a hobby. I try to, but will never be good enough. I try to pay homage to his story, to write his words with nothing but respect towards what he's trying to tell. But I can't capture the essence. It will never be good enough. So though its now engraved into paper, it will never see the light of day.

I know I'm not alone in my battle against myself. I know I'm not the only one dealing with difficult thoughts, self sabotage, lack of lust for life and a constant nagging voice telling me I'll never be good enough. A gun to the head or a knife to my wrist won't fix it. Therapy will, they tell me.

So okay, I'll take another pill boy, and observe others taking theirs. And I remind myself of the wisdom of others

"It was never really a battle for me to win, it was an eternal dance
And like a dance, the more rigid I became, the harder it got
The more I cursed my clumsy footsteps, the more I struggled
So I got older, and I learned to relax
And I learned to soften, and that dance got easier
It is this eternal dance that separates human beings
From angels, from demons, from gods
And I must not forget, we must not forget
That we are human beings"

Hi Ren - Ren




-VLH