Change.

So I made the decision to change courses at university. It feels right. I can finally step away from a place that was simply not good for me, in every possible way. I've been at home for the past two weeks. I haven't really been doing much productive, other than hanging around, chilling, watching my favorites shows on Netflix, singing, drawing, writing,... I've been going on walks, runs, etc. However I haven't been able to get back into a healthy routine. I simply can't get out of bed early and stick to a healthy diet. I have difficulties falling asleep at night because I keep reliving some of my past university experiences. It's like Law School, in a way, traumatized me. Well, it wouldn't surprise me if it did. I don't really understand why any thought of Law School (and any person I met at Law School) recalls such awful feelings. I mean: I wasn't happy in that place, but nothing terrible happend to me and the people or professors weren't horrible creatures who wanted to see me bleed. I don't know, I did feel a deep sadness and rejection from those people. I still don't know for sure if my feelings were justified, or if it was all in my head. What I do know is that I tried my damn hardest to fit in and make things work, academically as well as socially. So, I don't blame myself for how things have turned out.

I now need to take care of some administrative affairs concerning the transference. It's quite an arrangement... But I don't really care. I am just so glad that I can finally move on and start something new. I hope that in this new place things will be different. I really really really hope that I will meet some like-minded people and feel like I can be myself again.

I try to be hopeful. But sometimes I feel like I simply don't deserve happiness of any kind. I know how ridiculous that sounds. I know that I'm not a bad person. It just starts to concern me that things never seem to work out for me, no matter how hard I try. I know I'm lucky in many ways, and I'm grateful. But... The one thing I crave is to feel accepted, to feel like there is a place for me in this world, and as long as I don't feel that way, I don't know if I could ever be truly happy. I guess it all starts with accepting myself. I am willing to figure out how to do that.