Personality disorder

Since I made a suicidal effort in May, I've been seeing a psychiatrist (not a psychologist) occasionally. He sent me a questionaire, SCID-II for DSC-V. I just read some outcomes on personal disorders. I was laughing about some elements, because they are recognisable indeed. I feel highly related to Borderline, Histrionic and Narcissistic, with the highest affiliation with Borderline. I am indeed able to switch moods very rapidly.

I just finished work and was cycling for an hour, with music in my ears. I was thinking about Kris (enough with the pseudonyms anyway). I couldn't stop thinking of her. Then halfway home the police pulled me over. I had no bicycle lights and I thought he might fine me. He let me pass though, after a few questions. When I was out of sight, I broke down, cried for maybe 5 minutes or so. I just had enough. Of everything. I wanted to give up, I just wanted to die.

When I finished crying, I continued cycling. When I was at the bridge I just stopped and leaned on the bridge. It looked peaceful. Then our song was played on my phone. Tears rushed to my eyes and I started crying again. I talked to God, saying that I was feeling really lonely. I told him I was just afraid to open up to Him, but that I felt so alone.

After that I just got home, asking myself why it hurt me so much that Kristina and I are no more. It actually was a good timing, because I am broke and I am busy with my study. Why is my fucking heart not cooperating? Tomorrow I will see my best friend, the day after I'm going to a great party. So what the fuck is wrong with me? It would have never worked out with Kris now. I just don't understand. I don't want to think about it either. I just wanna feel nothing and be a machine. That's what I was thinking.. I'm still wanting to go on medication. Maybe it will work.

I got home and read about DCIM-V. Then I laughed, as if I didn't cry half an hour ago, pleading to end it all. So how do I cope with this.. Borderline bull shit? How do I cope with all these disorders?

Wikipedia stated the validy of the test is questionable and culture dependent, which in my perspective makes sense indeed. Here in the Western World there are some views that ar perpendicular to my beliefs and values and to a certain extent I refuse to adapt to it. Does that make me a narcistist? That's a bit far fetched..

We'll see what he says about my test results.