Removed

Sometimes, someone hurts you so bad... it stops hurting at all. Until something makes you feel again, and then it all comes back. Every word, every hurt, every moment.

How can you ever understand where I come from? Even if you ask, even if you listen, even not really hear or see or feel; You don't remember my story. You haven't walked my path. You haven't seen what I have seen. You haven't felt what I felt. My pas defines me. This is who I am. I am unseen, unheard, unwanted. THis is what I am, if even I am anything? You see what, the same thing that held me up, forced me down. The world turned upside down. It all disappeared.

Nothing is what it's supposed to be and heavy sadness fills my soul. Deeper and deeper, I fell within myself and nothing could drag me out. Trapped inside misery, lost the happy soul. Unable to see the light, unable to see the dawn, to feel hope, to dream...

I felt like the darkest days of my life kept coming, and that the blackest nights never stopped. It seemed like it was always nighttime and nightmares and never mornings. And maybe you wonder why? But mostly, I try not to think about it and try to get by and try to survive. All the other stuff all seems so much like nothing, to wanting the most important things back again. Like wishing to see your mom smile again and hear her sing that one favorite song, but always messes up. Wishing to hear yourself singing out of tune again, but enjoy singing every like of that one favorite song. And if you couldn't get that back, at least take care of your siblings, because you know they need you. And who is going to hold their hand and whisper that it's going to be alright? And who will whisper that to me? I know I am helpless, dependent, desperate... But what happens when those who need you, threaten your very existents? I have heard plenty of promises and they all sound the same. But if you push hard enough, sooner or later they all prove to be empty.

The sun comes up every morning, but do you know where? Each place it's different. It is hard to find east if you keep moving around and switching. But at least it comes, it always comes. I can depend on that, and slowly the seasons changed around me, and it seemed this time that maybe the world wouldn't be pulled out from under me again. Feet safe, roots starting to grow, little buds of hope flowered, slowly attempting to trust new life again. I wish someone would tell me everything is going to be okay. That one day, maybe, I feel normal and that I will always be that one. That I will have a mom who will hug me, be strong for me, and doesn't have to worry and cry about me anymore. Because maybe, I can't do it all by myself.

This is my past, my history, my story. It's not my fault, it is not because of me. It doesn't have to be that it defines my future. I am lovable, I am worthy to be cared for and that glimmer of light makes all the difference. The glimmers of life give me hope, that someday, my forever summer will come.