Left in shadows

this is a story I wrote the night BEFORE I found out derek was moving... kinda creepy and very very sad (on my part al least)


Here I sit, on my little bar stool, drink in one hand, cigarette in the other, one to wash away thoughts of the past, the other a sick way of holding onto it. What a hypocrite I am.



I had never liked smokers. The smell of cigarettes nearly drove me to yak to be quite honest.

I thought…rather, I had sworn that I would never be one myself, the very thought sickened me… That is until I saw the gentle stream of smoke billowing softly off of His lips. It was like a perfect portrait of my dream man as if the image was pulled directly from my mind. There was no human being that could be as perfect as him. Not to me.

I was a waitress when we met. He had moved down from some big city and had been hired on as a manager. I will never forget the first time I saw him- Tall, lean, with honey colored eyes and dark hair- Just like a dream, the sweetest I would ever have. As I got to know him I could not help but fall for him, more and more with each conversation. Each word that he said to me was like a precious gem, locked tightly into my memory, to be treasured from then on. Within two months of working with him I was verging on obsession. I dreamt about him, I dressed nicer for work just to catch his eye, I went out of my way just to see him, to hear his whimsical voice.

I saw him, on his break one day, his lips wrapped around the end of a cigarette, smoke swirling out. Usually a sight that sickened me. But with him it was beautiful. If I could I would have taken a picture just so that I could see it for just a bit longer. I smiled and walked over to him. “Mind if I take a drag?” I said as casual as possible. I didn’t even know what I was thinking.. His lips.. I wanted to feel them, to taste them, even if just from the butt of a cigarette.. and so I did one small puff and I felt the soft indent from his lips, just slightly. It was not enough to feed my hunger for him, but it was enough to sate it.. at least for a while… after that I bought a pack for myself. The taste still gross to the point of nearly puking, but each drag I took I could remember, just barely, the taste of him.

We never were more then friends.. for more reasons than I could count. He was too good for me, I suppose is the most prominent. An angel sent to inspire me, but never to be within my reach. I accepted that long ago. After all, by the time we had met I was already engaged to another man. One not so similar to me in opinion. A handsome man, but not in a way that I had ever found very attractive. There was no one who would treat me better, or love me more than my fiancé. And I could never hurt him not like that… not like so many fickle girls these days deem appropriate. I had chosen him for a reason.

He too was taken. My muse, my shining star. He had been with the same girl for many years, and He loved her. But still I could not kill off my feelings, my desires. I think, on many occasions he may have felt similar to how I did. More than once I caught him staring at me at work, and more than once our eyes had met, and locked as if neither of us could look away. He even gave me strange compliments from time to time, calling me lovely, sweet cheeks and even love once, though I don’t think he realized when he called me the last. I did though. It was a small, hallow victory to me. I knew he cared for me, May have even wanted me. But we were both too smart to let our hearts win. I was not satisfied with our relationship, but I had come to terms with it and accepted it. I eventually married and life continued with our little banter here and there and locking eyes. But something changed.. I wish I knew what.. perhaps he was scared by this… emotional attachment that had developed. He pulled away from me. He stopped talking to me as much as he had before, even avoided me some nights, though always when I was able to catch him our chats where as fun as ever, and he would smile just as brightly as ever. It was not the same though and I knew it and it hurt but what could I say? I had thought that it would last forever, our little world within work.. but even the sweetest things turn sour, it is only a matter of time.

After two years he, and his lover uprooted once more, leaving me behind with nothing to remember him by but the memories and the bad habit I had picked up. I am sure my husband could sense my sorrow, he may have even guessed about my feelings, but he was too kind to ever ask me about them… every few nights I do this now. I sit at this bar; wasting away my tips in hopes of forgetting how perfect he was, forgetting my imagined life with him. Sometimes I think I have forgotten, but then I see a smile… not quite his, but similar enough to cause my heart to race, or I hear a voice that sounds like his, only to turn and see someone else. I guess that’s what happens though, with a muse like him, you cannot keep it forever, eventually they have to move on, to bring light into someone else’s life. Unfortunately that puts me back into the shadows, of dreary everyday life. A world that is grey without his light.