id give anything about right now

Im so tired of being able to feel. every single time i open up to someone i always get hurt. i would give anything to be numb if only for a second. i would give my life my soul anything and everything just for one moment of beautiful silence. i could smile with my eyes clear and my mind at peace instead of cradling myself on the floor drowining my sorrows, dreams, and memories in tears. i told him if he walked away from me now he would be walking away from everything we fought for. i gave him my heart i gave him whatever he wanted just to see his smile but all i got in return was a bitch slap from reality. i told you every secret everything ive ever dreamed or thought of. we were best friends how can he walk away like that and leave me so empty and dead?!? i cared for him then his fucking spidey senses went off, oh she likes me so nows a perfect time as any to smash her heart into a billion tiny pieces! i cant eat i cant sleep i so much as hear someone say a s sound and i callaspe. You were my best fucking friend remember?!?!? thunderbuddies for life i guess life ended short for the both of us huh?!? you stuck with me for how long?! you stuck with me through it all through the relentless bullying through my situations at home through everything but now you just disappear and say "oh im sorry but your a dumbass bitch and i hate you" i have done nothing but be sympathetic and nice person to you. i couldnt even be a bitch to you even if i wanted to. i loved you more than a friend but para the norm i fucked it up somehow. really it doesnt bother me that much about how much i changed to just make you happy. What bothers me is that through everything you couldnt see how much that hurt for you to just ripp away. what hurts is that you ignored every attempt i did to solve our problems i tried to save us but all uou did was leave me standing in the rain seeing every happy memory that we had flash through my mind as you took them all with you with every step you took away from me. i changed who i was for you but you were just to blind to see. my mind said run girl while you still have a chance but no why listen to the part of me that knows when a heartbreaks coming the best? no i had to ignore it and just lose who i was i changed everything. its just such a horrible feeling. i pray to god with all my heart i want to go numb please god just make me into stone then i wouldnt have to feel this way and i wouldnt have to keep painting on this fake smile