Dreams of you... and teachers?

Okay, so I think my brain is taking a lot of the pressure of my feelings lately, but then I guess that's to be expected considering that's where they're formed. I guess this is also becoming obvious in my dreams now. I feel like the dream I had last night was symbolic of exactly just what I wanted to happen, although it's almost 3 years too late: the end of a bad thing turning in the beautiful beginnings of something new.

In these past few months, I've found myself to have got over a major crush that has been killing me inside for the past 3 years almost. When I went into year 9, I fell hard for my English teacher. A female. Although I knew that such a relationship could never take place (and I never intended it to), it was hurting me nonetheless and as much as I looked forward to her lessons 4 times a week, they also made me apprehensive. There were times when I wanted to just run away, escape. At one stage, it appeared to get so bad that I found it hard to breathe. I couldn't even look in her direction because I was paranoid that she knew. This wasn't helped when she moved me and my friend to the front of the classroom. I was in the top set for English as well, being in the top 30 students of the year group which made me anxious all the more. I felt like I had to be at the very top of my game all the time, any dip would annoy her or disappoint her. This ended up not to be a problem; I achieved A grades in most things that I did, including my English language exam. I guess it's fair to say that what started as a harmless crush turned into a nightmarish state of anxiety, depression and obsession. I took a break from being in her class for the following year but I found that this just set me back further. Although I wasn't feeling as much anxiety and stress, I ached to see her even more and I felt I was suffering in an academic way in the new class I was in considering the group was of a lower ability than I was. This made me want to be moved back into her class even more and I spent the whole year campaigning among the staff to get it to happen. It never did. The next year though, I was moved back. I had a new teacher who noticed that I was better off there and he moved me back pretty much straight away. I'm still not sure to this day whether he knew the situation or not. The anxiety started again but as much as it hurt me, I was glad for it at the same time. I was back where I wanted to be and that outweighed not being there tremendously. I've just left year 11 and the feelings almost 3 months gone have disappeared pretty much altogether. Furthermore, I think that's what my dream was also trying to tell me:

In my dream, I appeared to be arguing with my parents about which 6th form I was going to attend this September. I wanted to stay the school in which I'm at now whereas my parents wanted me to go to a different one, purely because of the reason above. I kicked the screamed and kicked up fuss, almost hating my parents for what they were doing to me. I promised to run away, never to go to the school they wanted me to go to. I'd rather sacrifice my future career plan than be separated from her. Anyway, later on in my dream, I was with my parents when I saw her and the teacher I had in year 10 sat on a swing in the middle of a field. We went over to them and talked to them and I became aware that somehow, she was aware of how I felt, but that it didn't overly bother her. This made the whole student/teacher professional relationship between us much easier for me to handle. I'm unsure whether my parents then allowed me to go to that school or not but I remember happily waving goodbye to her and leaving with my parents.
Later on in my dream (I don't know whether it was separate or not) I was at the fairground with my best friend, the same one at which I met C. It had come back for a day after leaving from when it was originally there. It was exactly the same apart from the fact it had one different ride. I went on this and wasn't sure whether I liked it so I asked my friend to get on with me, in which she did. I remember that you sat in a semi circle on it and there was a chain over the front to "keep you from falling out." The ride was one that went upside down and spun at the same time. When we were on it, the chain, although it was a hook, appeared to come come off and I was trying to clip it back on with little success until I managed in the end. The travelers appeared to be taking the rest of the fairground down, ready to move away. After getting off the ride, I appeared to take part of it away with me, although I didn't realise I was doing this at first. We were about to leave when my friend found out that they were staying until half past 8 the following morning. I went back to return the part of the ride I was carrying to the people who owned it. The whole time, I was aware that C was there, I just hadn't managed to catch a glimpse of him yet as he was in a different section of the park. When I turned around, my friend was running away in the opposite direction to him which hurt me but I wasn't going to let it stop me from building a relationship with him because I wanted him so much. So I went after her.

I woke up after this and although the events the second time around where not exactly the happiest ones ever, they made me realise that I've finally been able to say goodbye to the painful event in my life that was holding me back and I am ready to fight for what I need next in life. What do you guys think? I'm sorry it's so long!

353 days to go!
Emily