Behind Closed Doors

I live in a beautiful house, have expensive clothes and have a completely whole family that "loves" me. Everyone tells me I have the perfect life. But being completely honest, i'm not the perfect person everyone thinks that I am. I cry myself to sleep every single night because of my "severe clinical depression with psychotic features," well at least that's what my psychiatrist calls it. I believe i'm crazy. They tell me I shouldn't use that word but how on earth could you ever figure that seeing people who are deceased and hearing strange voices isn't crazy? It doesn't make any sense to me why I out of all people have to go through something this extreme. The worst part of it all is the part where I am forced to pretend I don't feel the way I do in order to protect the image of myself and my family. Nobody get's it. I wish that I had just one person who knew exactly how I feel behind closed doors. But nobody will ever EVER get it. Nobody will ever understand what I go through, they will probably think i'm just saying things and overreacting because i have the "perfect life" but little do they know I've been in and out of a mental hospital due to attempts at suicide. Every time I try to end my life, something always brings me back. Believe me, I know that killing yourself is "selfish" according to most people but all of my life i've been putting others needs before my own because I just can't stand to see anyone unhappy. I don't want anyone to have to endure what I have to endure every day of my life. I'm that girl who encourages other people that they're worth so much, that they can't end their life because they're too important to too many people to do that. I don't know why i'm such a hypocrite. I hate myself for it, but I feel like it's my duty to protect everyone. This life is killing me, and ripping me apart little by little. I can't do the pretending anymore because behind closed doors, i'm a mess.