A Brave New World

Today, I finally dragged myself to the gym, once again after 10 of those silly little years.

And for me, going out and touching Iron is the the sign of another 1 my More Epic Eras 🌹

In the last 4 to 5 years, since starting & closing a long self-imposed therapy journey, I have discovered that little teenage me had it right about what is good for me on the personal level.

I observed in my family that each and every one of us is highly individualistic and independent. We are also highly empathic, but something about the typical relationship model just does not work genetically, for some reason or another.

Of course, even in this free society, it is logical to want to 'belong', to be the same as everyone, without any State imposing the nuclear family. To want children, to want to take care of them together.

But I chose very young a future vision for myself that did not involve that. I admired the business men and women who devoted themselves to career without burderning others with their absence, or enthusiastic love for gathering all knowledge, and skill to pursue other goals in life, Leaving family and friends sort of in the middle.

Swaying between obsessing over being unsufficient, selfless for the while that guilt lasts, and then having the "higher" less fleshly or emotional pursuits tempt you with the more palpable and predictable results they offer.

I, of course, understood each and every one of my family members, and wanted a more peaceful and fulfilling life for myself.

I wanted to become a career woman, travelling, taking care of others on the go but never with any commitment I will surely be unable to fulfill (without becoming thoroughly unhappy most of the time, especially if I happen upon a husband that is smitten with me, and deserves the absolute best in return)

so I held off on my best friend (who is now a surgeon)
so I let go of my first - who for a brief while, managed to convince me that I am capable of romantic love and a traditional life
so I let go of my second, who dragged me in bed after our 10th casual sexual date and told me that I need to allow warmth in.

I am letting go now of all who try to tell me that I am broken, that something is terribly wrong with me, that, as a woman, my absent daddy is what made me this way.

Because after many conversations with my therapists, I concluded that I never saw him as 'absent'.

I admired him. I admired my mom, who also was a career woman. I appreciated the time we had together, albeit brief, but for me - any more would have been, too much really. School - preparing for uni - preparing for my career all took their own mental energy and time investment, so I often did not have time for them either.

I have been meeting kindred friends (and more) but I have no idea where that will lead us, as this is not the typical model of operation.

And I have vowed for this year to be the year I let go of a need to be understood by others in life. I doubt that will ever be fully the case. I am an extrovert, and extroverts need people, and therefore need people who understand them, or at least think they do.

I have let go of the need to be entirely honest and explicit about everything, which helps, of course, and I have accepted that it's hard to balance that with not falling into some theatre. If I accidently play along a little too much, I will see what is needed, without hurting anyone.

I don't know if that makes sense. It might in the future. As always my younger self has been wiser in the intuitive department than my 1 who tries to rationalise everything in the moment. I will just act as what feels Right.

And if some feel I am a bitch, that is their right to do so, as well.

Here's to My Brave New World. Where I leave my energy whole, so I can only be a Bitch for fun - not to protect myself from those who try to make me fit in their mould 🥰🥰