#1

Dear Kevin,

You would have been so proud of me, but at the same time you wouldn't be.
I've been talking to some people lately, about more than just friendship, and even though it makes me sick because it's not you, I've been trying.
I've been hugging this guy all break long, but the longer we hugged the less I started to like it, because he wasn't you. Later I kissed this one girl, the girl I've been looking after for so long, for me there was no spark at all, once again it made me feel sick. Apart from that there was the realization that all the people I had been flirting with had one thing in common, they were cutters, they were suicidal, they all had problems, just like me.
I could never make a single one of them happy, I would never make any of them feel like how you made me feel.
I've been feeling so empty lately, so lonely, seeing other people kiss, and truly mean their kiss, sink into it, it reminds me of our kisses, and how the world seemed to disappear when you were near.
I feel like when you left you made these huge holed in me, and the only thing that is keeping me together is your bear which I hug every night, your letter that I reread so often, your necklaces and your shirts, which magically still hold your scent somehow. but during the day I don't have those with me to keep me together, so I hug myself tightly hoping I won't fall apart right then and there.
But then again I'm not healing the way you said I would be, it's getting worse, recalling the memories like how you gave me my first real kiss, it was softly raining and we were seeking shelter just a couple of meters away from our destination, or how you gave me your old necklace, and then there's the things I made up about our future, about how we'd have this one kid.
But worse are the things I'm making up now that you're no longer with me, about how this one night under the same stars as you gave me the silver necklace, we would joke about getting married, and I'd get down on one knee and get out a cheap ring made of candy and ask you to stay with me forever, and how we'd later trade that one for real rings.
It's funny, because before you I never really thought about the future, but during our relationship I couldn't help but think about it, I could see ourself all gray and wrinkled, sitting under the same God damned start as always, laughing and recalling our youth together. But now that you're gone, I'm empty, I don't see a future anymore, all I see is darkness and doubt and failure and I'm scared to death, because my future was set with you, and now it's all blank.
So I'm surprised if I make it to the end of this year, I already made my plans, how and where, just not the when yet, if I screw up this year I'm done, all would be lost.
You know it's funny how I'm sitting here, writing about you as if you're dead, while instead we haven't talked in 12 days, which seems like ages to me, you told me I'd get over it better if we didn't talk anymore, and I hate that, I realized I only need you more now.
I'm really wondering if I should contact you eventually.
Or just wait this out.
It's killing me to see how you are doing now, or hear from others actually. You're a mess, just like you have been for a long time now.
You went from the love of my life, who was just so positive, always caring about everybody and telling everybody it would be okay, making promises you would actually hold on to, to the guy that I don't recognize, and neither do your parents or your little sister, the guy who breaks his promises, lost his balls and is talking about running away, or worse.
It's ironic how I left you, not only because my parents made me choose between them and you, but also because I was sure you would be happier with somebody else, but the last time I saw you, you were a mess, it seemed as if you weren't even trying to make yourself look okay anymore.
But your smiles, at times, seemed convincing, like how you opened the door with a surprised smile, because you had no idea I was going to stop by.
I wonder though, why you ended contact with me, because all you told me was a lie, I can still tell, you know.
Was is because she asked you to? Or was it because I was getting too close?
Because I really cannot believe how you could tell me you almost kissed me, and I know it's true because I was there, without meaning a single feeling from it, or offering yourself as a friend with benefits, even though we both knew that your girlfriend was sitting somewhere, chatting with another guy you didn't know about.
Over all I really, really can't believe how you can tell me you have no feelings what so ever left, since our times together had been so intense, so undescribable.
Maybe one day I'll find out, when she dumps you, or when one of our mutual friends decide it's time to talk, because things are getting way out of hand.
Maybe one day we'll speak again, who knows, or maybe you and her end up pretty happy, and that would be the end of it, or maybe my time has run out, maybe I couldn't take it anymore, in that case I wish you the best, I swear.

So untill one day, maybe.
Ryanne