Turn life around again

That moment when you realize your life is falling apart again. But not in the same way as ten years ago, but differently now. Ten years ago I was the most insecure girl you can imagine. No self-confidence, not knowing who I actually was, letting other people define me. Those times were tough, filled with depression and a lot of dark feelings. I always needed someone to validate who I was. I did crazy things of which I am not proud at all. I wasn’t happy and I was a million different people at once. The writer, the musician, the girlfriend, the cheater, the smart girl, the nerd, the motivated, the emotional, the withdrawn, the cutter, the suicidal one, the most likely to succeed. See? That’s too many things to be at the same time.

Anyway, I got a grip. I don’t know exactly when everything changed, but when I moved cities again and decided I was going to do what I wanted to do. I enrolled into an education I never thought I was smart enough for. Math, technical stuff, programming, biological engineering. Girls don’t do that. That’s a man’s world. But heck, I was so good at it. I lived alone for the first time ever. I stood on my own two feet. I took care of myself and did a damn good job at it. My grades were amazing, I was praised, I got acknowledged. Is this who I am? The scientist? Never thought of myself in that way. But yes, I’ve been the scientist for several years. Renowned scientist by now actually. But then the crazy came back. At least, that’s what I think happened. Crazy seizures started taking over. Like there was some crazy ghost thinking ‘hold on a second, she’s found herself and she’s happy now? Well, I don’t think so. Here, have some seizures’.

What I learned while going through a lot of tough times in my life was confidence. Even when you’re feeling like a scared little girl, you show confidence or they’re going to walk all over you. I have this thing with Medical Doctors. Or actually I don’t. They suck and I don’t like them. Probably because we’re the same. I’m critical. I won’t just believe you when you blink some worn out eyes at me. I question everything. That’s part of being a scientist. And well, MD’s don’t deal with questioning patients that well. But it’s annoying when you feel what your body is doing and MD’s write it off with things you know are incorrect. Not only incorrect, but batshit crazy actually.

So my life is falling apart again. Not because I’m looking for the constant validation. Not because I don’t know who I am, but because I can’t be who I am. A strong person with impeccable skills in my research field. I don’t get to be that person now, because my moments are ruined by seizures. Waking up in a random place, dragging myself to bed, not knowing what day it is, not knowing what happened, not knowing what I have planned the rest of the day, enormous confusion about pretty much everything. That’s awful. Even when I went through my dark phase, I always knew I was smart. Logical reasoning: my cup of tea. Now I’m like a lost kid in a supermarket sometimes.
What am I getting at? I don’t know. There’s just so many things in my head. Maybe this whole story doesn’t make sense, but these words need to get out of my head. I feel like the life I’ve been working so hard on is falling apart. I was so happy for a long time. So strong, so confident. And when I graduated and got the most amazing job ever I was so happy. When I got my first paycheck I was amazed. That’s a lot of money for doing something I love. I don’t feel love now anymore. My job feels like a burden. I feel like a burden. People taking care of me? I swore I’d take care of myself the second I moved cities and started living alone. I would never depend on anyone for everything. But I am now. He’s sweet. He does everything, he never complains, he loves me. But I don’t love me. I’m not a dog. I’m not one of those people who needs a man to take care of her. Or at least, I don’t want to be. Is that what I’m turning into? Nope, I won’t have it.

I can turn this around. I did it before. But it doesn’t help when MD’s are just sending you around. Still not knowing what you have one year after the first seizure. The second I know what it is I’ll be back to being me. It’s either epilepsy or PNES: seizures caused by stress/overwhelming shit.

Right, this has been a long enough pooping of words for now. I do realize something has to change or else I’m out. What I was too scared of to do ten years ago, I’m stronger now. I could. If only he wasn’t so amazing and my dog wasn’t so perfect.