Shot in the dark.

I have been known to be dramatic, illogical, meloncoly, hateful, annoying, and selfish. I have my good days and bad days though, like everyone else. I just can't seem to get a grip and be happy is all. I create issues I think. I'm not sure why, it's not like I intentionally do the things that end up hurting me. It just happens. And then I'm left standing all alone. Because I said or did something wrong again.
One example: I was in a relationship with this really amazing guy. We met when I had everything going for me. Just got into school, lost all my baby fat...I was really comfortable with who I was. We had laughs...we were great. And I went off to school, left him crying with my friends at a bus station. I got to school, and completely shut down. I went to class...isolated myself at lunch, free times, and from my roommates. I couldn't take the world I didn't know. Instead of pushing through-I left ..I ran back home with my tail between my legs. I ran back to him. He had been telling me I could just come back home and start a life with him. I did. And it was one of the most biggest mistakes I have ever made.
It ended like most relationships do, unncessarily hateful and crude. He complained that I had changed...he was forcing himself to love me for the past 6 months. He began to "hate" me.
I cried and begged him to stay. But inside, I knew I was better than this...
"Why would I fight so hard for someone who could care less?"
I immediately freaked once the last of his stuff was gone. Tried suicide. But I have amazing friends. And they stayed with me through that journey.
Instead of dealing with those emotions of: rejection, low self worth, and heartbreak. ....I ran. I ran nearly 3 states away to my sister's house. She was 6 months pregnant, having issues adjusting to military lifestyle, and dealing with her marriage..and a new dog...But she still had room in her home and heart for another. I love her for being so incredably brave.
I decided to try something new. I've always been very curious of other females. Short version of my lesbian trials: even if I got a girl to come home with me, I couldn't figure out what to do with her.
My plan was to get a job and start school again. But I always seem to find a way to distract myself. The latest distraction is a military guy. I usually don't go for anyone in the military..but he was so persistant. Not like in a tool sort of way..but sweet. He had a broken heart from his ex..and one night I gave him a chance to talk to me. We talked until the sun came up. I just remember how warm his eyes were. How they put off a message, like he needed someone too.
We were pretty happy...I loved how he made me feel like I wasn't crazy. He watched me get ready for work...came into the bathroom and just started to dance with me. We walked in this storm once, ended up waiting under a church until it calmed down. It took 2 and a half hours to get home that night. I was so happy my lips tingled. He made promises of a family and happy lives..traveling...the moon haha. It's all rainbows and butterflies at first though, right?
It's only been 5 months...and I feel detached. He isn't my knight and shining armor. I fell out of love with him. I keep reading these books about love...how to fix me. Making myself love him. I'm pushing. And he's not a bad guy. But I think I may have pushed him away somewhat. He doesn't dance with me anymore...he still makes me laugh. But I feel a bit of awkwardness. He does push my worries and doubts of us off to the side like it's a phase I'm going through. It's not a phase...something is missing with him. I can feel it. I don't know if I'm about to mess a good thing up again. I have a very long track record of messing up my own happiness. I never know what the hell I'm doing. This doens't feel like a phase. It feels like I'm loosing my mind. What am I suppose to do? I've got no answers. And I can't burn anyone else up on trying to fix me. I know I'm the key to my happiness...but I don't have any answers...I keep saying I'm unhappy. I've tried everything.
I say I'm unhappy outloud in a room by myself. I know that a magical creature won't burst through my window and wave a wand to fix my issues. But there I am...sitting alone. Repeating "I'm unhappy." Making it worse.
On the outside I'm as happy and goofy as can be...but on the inside I'm tearing myself apart.