feelings

This book that I am reading is changing how I view the world around me, along with this special girl that I ended up falling in love with for the second time. The book teaches me how to separate what I feel and what I think is right. I am learning to embrace the idea that human interaction is not about who is right or wrong, but a complex interaction of human needs that might conflict with, embrace, or even enforce each other. She teaches me to be mindful of what the subject is of the start of the conversation, when I steal the conversation and make it as if it's about me.

Stealing a conversation, intentionally or not, will diminish someone's feeling of safety and enthusiasm of sharing their inner world with you. It is for sure a way to fuck up any intimate connection you might have with someone; don't give opinions when you're not being asked; if you even steal a conversation to have your need of integrity to be projected to the other, give it back lovingly.

Compassion is what I never got to learn from my upbringing. Everything was described statically in terms of personal projected made absolute truths. You're either disciplined or not, you're stupid or smart or your right or wrong. I am carrying the legacy of narcissism with me, likely like most of us; because that's what narcissism in essence is => everything and everyone should be and behave the way we want or else they are faulty. It's EVERYWHERE around us:

Take the vaccin or you're selfish (says who?)
Lose weight or you have no self worth (says who?)
Don't post personal shit on facebook because it doesn't belong there (says who?)
Don't eat meat and be loving towards your pet or you're a hypocrite (says who?)
Learn new things in your free time or you are lazy (says who?)

I have the tendency to forcefully use the common accepted views when they suit me and reject them when they don't. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want autonomy and safety in a world described in terms of needs, of which people have the free choice to meet or not without shame or guilt.

Often I remember what someone over his 30s said when I was 24; wait till you are over your 30s. Granted, it was actually about food and gaining weight easily due to changed metabolism, but it's also about mind expansion.

Some of us are lucky enough to be brought up in a safe and loving environment without their parent's projection of morality and principles. They will feel safe when they come home from having explored the world.

For others, like me, it might be a bit different.

I would summarise my life in the following way: I grew up the way I was told to be. After my teen years I broke down what I thought I should be and got even more confronted with the life lasting trauma's as a result of forced projection. From almost end 20s until last year I slowly grew how I wanted to be. Only since very recently I stopped wanting those around me to be what I thought they should be.

My 30s are the best so far, at least for my mental health. I want to be free. Free of my judgements, free of the judgement of others and my judgement towards others.

Compassion and love are what I want.
09 jan 2022 - meld ongepast verhaal
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Phoenix, man, 34 jaar
   
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